Sacred Saturday: My Heart Is Still Open, but My Life Is Mine

Whisper: God, help me tell the truth without letting hurt do all the talking. Help me protect my peace without closing my heart to the life still ahead of me.

Good morning, beautiful soul.

Today, I need to do something different.

We have spent time reflecting on stories from the past. There has been wisdom in that. There has been encouragement. But this is EugeniasThoughts, and today I want to let you into my actual thoughts.

Not a version where every feeling has already been resolved.

Not a lesson tied up neatly before I share it.

Just me. Where I am. What I am carrying. And what I want to build next.

Because I have spent enough time looking backward.

I still have a future to live.

I Am Not Ashamed of My Story

Let me put this on the table.

I used to do drugs.

Some of those choices did not lead to good outcomes in my life. I can acknowledge that without hiding from it or making excuses.

But I am not ashamed of having a past.

I would not go back to that way of life. I also would not erase my whole story to make myself easier for someone else to accept.

Those are two different things.

I can take responsibility without spending the rest of my life punishing myself.

I can recognize where I made harmful choices without deciding that those choices are all I will ever be.

Beautiful soul, honesty includes the parts that do not make me look good.

If I am asking for truth, I have to be willing to bring mine.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)

The Distance Was Real

I have cut ties with everyone from my past - not a single one had the ability to Rise to the level of Truth required in my professional opinion.

That is a significant thing to say. I am not going to dress it up as if it carries no weight.

I needed distance. I have spent a long time alone, trying to reach a place where I could feel safe enough to hear myself think.

There is relief in that quiet.

There is also a life beyond it that I want to participate in.

I do not want my whole future to become an extension of what hurt me.

I want to meet people without making them stand trial for someone else’s behavior. I want connection that develops slowly enough for trust to have something real beneath it.

I am not ready to give everyone access.

But I do not want to stop believing that healthy connection is possible.

My Life Is Not Open for Someone Else to Run

When I look back over the first forty-one and a half years of my life, I see relationships where I did not experience the honesty I needed.

There were situations that left me feeling manipulated, distracted, and pulled away from my own decisions.

I cannot speak with certainty about every person’s motives.

I can speak about what those experiences felt like and what I am no longer willing to participate in.

I do not need a handler.

I do not need someone quietly deciding what they think is best for my life and expecting me to cooperate.

I can listen to advice. I can receive help. I can admit when I am wrong.

But support and control are not the same thing.

I want people beside me who can respect a decision even when it is not the decision they would make.

My life is mine to take responsibility for.

Truth Includes My Part, Too

I know my directness can make people uncomfortable. I have zero hate towards gay people - some of my favorite people actually - at least they are strong enough to be themselves regardless of what anyone else thinks and that I a crucial part to true happiness in life - I just don't want my bootyhole played with "for my protection". For the record if anyone knows Santa... I got the shaft last year (literally 😅) and not sure where he is collecting his data now adays but I am a beaver man, only.

I am willing to talk about things that people sometimes prefer to keep hidden. My past is not something I want to keep rearranging for approval.

But I also want to stay honest about this: being direct does not make me right about everything.

My feelings are real. My understanding can still be incomplete.

"Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else." (Galatians 6:4)

I can trust myself enough to notice when something feels wrong and still slow down to look at what actually happened.

I do not need an argument every time I set a boundary.

I also do not need to prove a hidden motive before deciding that a relationship is not healthy for me.

Sometimes the clearest thing I can say is, “This does not work for my life.”

And then live accordingly.

I Still Want Love

After everything, I still want to share my life with a woman.

That part of my heart is still open.

My prayer is to meet someone who values honesty. Someone who respects herself and respects me. Someone willing to have the difficult conversations instead of making avoidance a way of life.

I do not want a project.

And I do not want to become someone else’s project.

That does not mean either of us has to arrive without wounds or struggles. It means we both understand that we have responsibility for how we handle them.

"Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)

I want us to contribute to each other’s happiness without expecting one person to carry all of it.

I want loyalty that becomes visible through consistent choices.

I want room for laughter. Affection. Honest disagreement without disrespect.

I am not asking for perfect.

I am asking for mutual.

There Is Work I Want to Build

And there is another part of my future I want to start talking about.

I will be working toward helping small businesses gain visibility in the digital world.

This is something I have cared about for a long time.

I love talking with people. Learning what they do. Understanding what matters to them. Helping them communicate the value they bring.

That feels like work I can put my heart into.

It is also a reminder that my story has more in it than damaged relationships.

I have interests. Skills to develop. People to meet. Something useful to contribute.

I want to give those things my attention, too.

Not because staying busy will erase the hurt.

Because the hurt is not the only thing that deserves space in my life.

Note from Eugenia

Beautiful soul, these are my thoughts today.

Some are settled. Some are still unfolding.

I am living with the impact of betrayal while trying not to let it decide what every new person will mean to me.

I am learning how to protect myself without disappearing.

How to speak honestly without making every conversation a defense.

How to accept my past without returning to it.

And how to build a future that reflects what I actually value.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23)

I still believe in love.

I still want community.

I still want to do meaningful work and come home to peace.

My heart is open.

But this time, I want to be present in the decisions that shape my life.

Closing Whisper: I can honor what I have lived through without letting it write every page ahead. God, help me move with honesty, build with care, and remain open to what is good.

-Daniel Eugene 👑🕊️🌾

PS - For the time being I have stopped filming videos for social media - I will likely start using YouTube to film since my content is typically longer form - time will tell.

Frequency Feature: “Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version)” by Taylor Swift

Beautiful soul, today’s Frequency Feature is “Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version)” by Taylor Swift.

And here is where that title takes my thoughts.

I am looking forward to being someone’s wildest dream.

Not because I am perfect. But because I still have love to give, laughter to share, and a life I want to build with someone who wants to build with me.

I want her to know my story without needing to rewrite me. I want to know hers without believing it is mine to fix.

Honesty. Loyalty. Attraction. Peace.

And the freedom to be ourselves.

After everything, my heart is still open. I am not putting my life on hold for love, but I am leaving room for it.

God, help me bring the same care, honesty, and responsibility I hope to meet in someone else.

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Remember, this is love being transmuted into art; growth takes time, and you can't rush an actual journey, beautiful souls. In due time, all the right energy falls into place. Just have faith. Hold the vision. Always.